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Fire is a really hard sound to make. [ryan]

April 25th, 2008 · 8 Comments

WHAT YOU ARE about TO READ is ONLY HYPOTHETICAL
and also it HAPPENED LAST WEEK.

2:30am. Tuesday night/Wednesday morning.

[Jenn shakes Ryan in his sleep as if she’s trying to start a fire from the friction created between Ryan and the bed.]

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Jenn: RYAN RYAN RYAN WAKE UP GOD DAM YOU RYAN RYAN HELLO WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU, WHAT IF THE HOUSE WAS BURNING DOWN YOU IDIOT, RYAN RYAN WAKE UP, Please MAKE it STOP, it’s going right through my EAR PLUGS, PLEASE…

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Home Security Alarm: FUCKKKKK YOUUUUU SILENCE!!!!!

Jenn: Honey, sweety, darling, hello, sweety, honey, Ryan, baby, honey, are you in a coma? Darling, sugar pie, apple dumplings, because I’m GOING CRAZY and now my ears need MEDICAL ATTENTION, please, wake up and MAKE IT STOP, I can’t sleep with all this totally opposite of silence, PLEASE, Ryan, the ALARM WON’T STOP, I don’t know what happened, I didn’t do anything, it wasn’t me, Ryan, hello, wake up!

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[Jenn pours hot wax onto Ryan’s balls to no avail. In fact, this only makes his snoring louder and higher pitched]

Ryan: zzzzzzz zzzzzz zzzzzzz abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Alarm: FUCCCKK YYOUUUU 2:30 in the MORNINNNNGGGG!!!!!!!!!

Jenn: [Now she is shaking Ryan with every syllable] I feel as if I’m stuck in one of those DHARMA INSTITUTE CHAMBERS with LOCK and SAYID and JACK and KATE and DESMOND and the fat guy, um, HURLEY, who never seems to lose weight, I mean, like, EVER, come on, is it really smart to put him in charge of disseminating the food, you know, equally, to everyone on the island, I mean hello, I’m no human resources expert, but, I don’t know, yeah, I know, I know, that’s not the point, the point is that I feel LOST, you know, like the TV SHOW, LOST? RYAN WAKE UP!

Ryan: zzzzz zzzzzzzzzzz top

Jenn: I’m scared. RYAN WAKE UP!

[Jenn sets fire to Ryan’s nipples using leftover bacon fat, hoping that Ryan would be awakened by either the heat or the smell or both, but still, only ZZZZZZZZ.]

Jenn: JESUS I HATE YOU RYAN, why won’t you wake up, remember that time when LOCK tried to NOT press the button because he DIDN’T BELIEVE DESMOND about the whole island blowing up if they didn’t press the button. Remember? Well, when they didn’t press the button ALL the ALARMS WERE GOING FUCKING CRAZY and THEY WERE REALLY REALLY LOUD, remember that part? THAT’S IMPORTANT. They were really really LOUD, these alarms, and remember all the BAD SHIT THAT WENT down, on LOST, because of this? Oh my god, I think sleeplessness makes you fat, I hate my life.

RYAN!!!

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[Jenn does old Bulgarian street dance on Ryan’s forehead with her shapely bottom, but still—nothing. snore, snore, snore]

Jenn: And then remember the electro-magnetic repercussions on the environment because they didn’t press the button and how that lead to ALL THEIR PROBLEMS, firstly, and secondly, how THE ALARMS WERE SO FRIGGIN’ LOUD, RYAN WAKE UP, that you know, who can live like that, I mean, with alarms that are so loud, even JACK has to get some sleep SOME time right? WAKE UP! RYAN!

Ryan: snore. fart. snore.

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Jenn: I’m NOT JACK! OK? I can’t go around SAVING THE DAY without AMPLE SLEEP! I shouldn’t have eaten that whole bag of M&M’s, I swear to god he’s faking, who can sleep through all this… RYAN WAKE UP YOU ASSHOLE AND TURN OFF THE GOD DAM ALARM BEFORE I KILL YOU! In fact, OOH YES, I shall kill you by way of audio, yes, that’s what I’ll do, twitch mustache, wring hands, hatch evil plan, haha, I shall kill you by playing, on repeat, a totally WAY TOO LOUD rendition of WHAM’S WAKE ME UP BEFORE YOU GO GO just to be IRONIC, your ears shall bleed rivers of irony, muah ha ha ha ha, RYAN, what is WRONG with you? The god dam thing has no buttons I tell you! I NEED A MAN!! Why can’t my boyfriend be a man?

[Jenn attempts to FIND the stapler to staple Ryan’s eyes open, but then claimed later that the NOISE confused her sense of direction.]

Jenn: Oh my god! Ryan your guitar is on fire!

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[Jenn pretends Ryan’s guitar is actually on fire, even though it really isn’t, by making FIRE CRACKLING SOUNDS with her mouth, cupping her hands to create what she thinks is an organic reverb cavern, but then realizes mid-crackle-feign that FIRE is a really hard sound to make.]

Jenn: That’s it. I need my secret weapon…MATI!! To the rescue!

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Jenn: That’s ok Mati, it’s no use. He’s dead.

Ryan: murmur.

[Split screen: We see Jenn through Ryan’s I’M SLEEPING, YOU CRAZY BITCH eyes. Jenn’s blurry. This is a metaphor for how sometimes Ryan thinks JENN is blurry]

Jenn: Ryan! you’re up! I don’t know what happened, but the alarm is going crazy and it’s really scaring me, and I have to wake up in an hour, Ryan please make it stop, I don’t know what to do, I don’t know what to do, I don’t know what to do, I don’t know what to do…

[Jenn starts to back up from Ryan as she’s speaking. She then covers her ears like someone is about to tell her what SPAM is really made out of. Ryan knows this look all too well as he has told her many times about his lust for SPAM during intercourse. What? Ahh, the brain and its pleasure chemicals, what a tricky little thing.]

Ryan: Calm down honey. Let me just take a look at it.

Jenn: I did already, and there are no buttons, NOTHING, there’s no way to shut it off, I already tried everything.

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[Ryan tries to look at the alarm anyway, to see if it has any buttons, as he is secretly thinking that JENN must have overdosed on BENADRYL and/or CRACK and/or is just really TIRED—which is actually WAY WORSE than the first two options—and so maybe her and her advice about WHAT TO DO should be totally ignored, at this point, or at least that’s what Ryan is thinking, that handsome master of logic and clear thinking, who has only been awake for a few seconds at this point mind you, blush.]

Ryan: Hm. There are no buttons on this stupid thing.

Jenn: No shit. I just said that genius.

Alarm: Suck my BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP!!!

Jenn: I think someone broke in upstairs, GO CHECK IT OUT NOW! We’re being invaded I tell you!

[Meanwhile UPSTAIRS, our northerly neighbors are ALSO trying to DEACTIVATE the sirens from hell which are EQUALLY blasting into their 2:30 in the morning ears.]

Ryan: I don’t think INVADERS would be STILL walking around right now, with the ALARMS going off and everything, but nice work otherwise detective HEE…

Jenn: I wish CHAD were here.

[Chad is our friend who fixes things, a real man.]

Jenn: If CHAD were here, he would have fixed everything by now.

Ryan: Yeah, If CHAD were here, maybe he could SHUT you off too—GOD KNOWS I DON’T KNOW WHERE YOUR BUTTON IS…

Jenn: You can say that again.

Ryan: Jesus, I set myself up for that one.

Jenn: Ok, I’m going to hide in my sleeping bag right now with my fingers in my ears, wake me up when you’ve FIXED EVERYTHING and yes, that includes discovering your BALLS—um, I think the magnifying glass is in the top drawer over there.

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[Ryan and the neighbor upstairs figure out that the only way to dismantle the HORRIFYING noise-maker was to duck tape her mouth shut—yes, the ALARM has a mouth in this metaphor—by shutting off the downstairs electricity.]

Ryan: There. Happy?

Jenn: snore. fart. snore.

The morals of the story:
1. Jenn needs her sleep. WAKE AT YOUR OWN RISK!
2. Ryan has no idea where JENN’s button is.
3. Real men fix MALFUNCTIONING ALARMS, even if they DON’T have the security code handy, sarcasm, sarcasm.
4. FIRE is a hard sound to make.
5. The police don’t give a shit about an ALARM that goes off in the middle of the night for half an hour because it almost always means that the fucking retards who live there are the ones who tripped it.

The end.

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I tried everything.

Tags: ryan matsumoto

8 responses so far ↓

  • 1 jenn meleana // Apr 26, 2008 at 3:17 am

    I love MATI!!!!

  • 2 Tulips on an organ! (Jenn) | Choose Our Own Adventure // Apr 28, 2008 at 12:25 am

    […] Amazon.com Widgets ← Fire is a really hard sound to make. [ryan] […]

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