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Bibideebobidee SHOOT ME. (jenn)

May 8th, 2008 · 104 Comments

Hi friends.

First of all, huge love and thanks to all our awesomely supportive friends and family who emerge from behind the blog scenes every now and then to support our art with their hard earned cash. Even e-mails and comments mean the world to us, especially following huge existential double panic attacks about EVERYTHING. We run circles around our circular cave, pulling our ever-grayer hair, wailing–What are we doing? Why can’t we function? Why can’t we make money doing what we LOVE–why why WHY WHYYY–when suddenly a short and sweet Facebook message or Myspace comment appears from the cyber ether, lifting us up and helping us to keep on keepin’ on. So thank you.

Secondly, I know what I need more than ANYTHING. I need a fairy godmother. She can wear blue satin and say things like “Bibideebobidee”–I don’t give a shit. Someone just please APPEAR in my life so that *poof * the toilet is shinny and sanitized, the fridge is filled with fruit and SPAM, the floor is unearthed from its thick layer of Mati-fur, and Ryan is bathed and turned into a pumpkin.

Lately I find it unbearable how high maintenance life is. I hate that I can’t be one of those people who Gets Shit Done. Everyone on this planet just seems so strong. Not even cancer can get them down.

The existence of cancer gets me down.

I am down. Down, down, down.

If there was an award for most time spent in bed without sleeping, I might win that award. As long as I didn’t have to apply, wear a dress and give a speech to accept said award.

I couldn’t even sustain National Blog Posting Month for more than three days. That’s right. NaBloPoMo fouled me off sides on traveling before I even got to first base and fumbled the ball on a bad serve.

Of course I have random surges of productivity, where I write a War and Peace length mission statement for taking over the world in my secret language–a delicate atonal cross between belly dancing and Morse Code; dismantle the computer to see what it has against me; cook fourteen different variations of curry by color; pluck Mati’s eyebrows, and vacuum Ryan’s privates. But these surges are too few and far between, and lately I have grown weary of being the free orange love seat’s bitch. See, if I had a fairy godmother she could wave her wand, write me a blog, finish my half-done pieces with sharp wit and an unforgettably heartwarming last line, and dress me in a cute Victoria’s Secret matching pajamas set, so that I would have something to wear around the house other than the fleece throw my mom sent, which I have converted into a throw-skirt. This conveniently makes the transition from bed to love seat to life less difficult. The throw-skirt is very warm. But not so sexy.

I partially attribute my increased laziness to the fact that I’m working four days a week instead of THREE, which is what my initial arrangement with Yuppie’s Market was. I can handle THREE days of work. Four–now that is pushing it. The other cook broke her kneecap in an unfortunate trip up the stairs.

I should stop bitching about my nonexistent problems.

But I broke my WILL to LIVE on an unfortunate trip down existence.

At least I’ve still got the WILL to WHINE.

I do manage to make it to the library every other day to pick up my stacks and stacks of books and DVDs that are on hold, but this is only because I can read my books and watch the DVDs from my love seat. I currently have 40 books on soup, 10 or so on muffins, a few on HTML, a couple about writing book proposals and finding literary agents, and one on not killing your boyfriend when he’s being a poopy head.

There is a faintly silver lining to the oversaturated storm cloud of my current life–Worldview Magazine Online accepted a piece I wrote about Bulgaristan, so that’s rad. I’ll post the link once it’s on the site. So I’m 1 for 2 for submissions submitted since I decided to BE a writer, circa January ‘08.

Piece submitted to McSweeney’s dot net - REJECTED

Piece submitted to Worldview Mag Online - ACCEPTED!!!

I am the least prolific person I know. I have piles of half-dones. I’m just a slow, slow finisher. I’d like to analogize myself to Aesop’s tortoise mid-fable. Day-to-day, I plod along this rat race. But from a zoomed out perspective on all life since humanity’s conception, I’m moving at LIGHT SPEED. So it’s all in your perspective, really.

Also on the bright side, at least I’m not RYAN, who mauled ol’ righty trying to break a wood board with his hand. God forbid Ryan nearly broke his guitar playing/YouTube navigating hand?!! Luckily he has survived with only bruising, scrapes, and a minor concussion after I nearly beat him senseless.


Lastly, Leastly

I heard this song called “Making Pies” on my Patty Griffin playlist the other day while driving to work at 4:30 in the AM, and I have to say, it was like I never even HEARD the song before. Suddenly I felt the weight of every syllable smash down on me like a heavy lyric brick thrown specifically on my head from hell. It was kind of like if I was a new cowboy, and I heard “Horse with No Name” while riding on my horse to work:

After nine days I let the horse run free
‘Cause the desert had turned to sea
There were plants and birds and rocks and things
There was sand and hills and rings

It might touch me smack in the middle of my cowboy heart.

It really isn’t the same typed out, but here are the Patty Griffin lyrics:

Here I am
Walking the block
To TableTalk
You could cry or die
Or just make pies all day
I’m making pies
Making pies
Making pies
Making pies

I mean, shit. Since I wake up so early and go through my shift in a half-slumber daze, I often feel like work is this strange dream, except I wake up with burns from grabbing a REALLY HOT object without a pot holder, bruises from walking into the freezer door, and/or cramping from the leeches that have NESTLED in my soul.

We all know how it feels to be in love and hear some cheesy love song, like “Smack my Bitch Up”—and our hearts spontaneously burst with whole understanding, or when we scream “I hope you rot and die” lyrics in between tequila shots during an angry-post-break-up phase, and/or listening to “I Swear” and wanting to bawl your brains out because it was the song you danced to with HIM at 8th grade banquet, and ohmygod, I’ll never get over HIM.

But a PIE song?

It’s happening, friends, it’s happening.

This week, in toolin’ around the web:

Here’s a video that I saw on lovely (AND prolific, AND fucking SMART, AND productive, AND functional, foxy AND fancy, AND etc., etc.) Mayumi’s blog:

(Mayumi is a fellow Iolani grad–one of those amazing people who can actually feed herself with her words.)

I couldn’t figure out how to post this video from Funny or Die on the blog without it showing up in the far right corner of my browser, but this one’s for the LADIES:


Last Scene

Ryan is lying on the floor in his long underwear, DJ Jesus t-shirt, and SOCKS, contemplating.

Jenn is sitting cross-legged on the orange love seat, in her throw-skirt and hand-me-down striped shirt from Peace Corps friend Joni, blogging.

Ryan: Maybe I’ll just starve myself to death.

Jenn: You have a long way to go.

Jenn shakes gallon-sized Ziploc bag of Arare in taunting manner.

Mati runs over.

Ryan reaches hand in Ziploc bag from floor position.

Ryan: I’ll start tomorrow.

[Insert unforgettably heartwarming last line HERE.]

P.S. Don’t worry, I’m feeling better now. Blogging always does that for me. Maybe words will save me happily ever after all.

Tags: jennifer hee

104 responses so far ↓

  • 1 Mayumi Shimose Poe // May 8, 2008 at 8:10 pm

    trust me, jenn, you and ryan make the nontraditional look pretty romantic, least from where i’m sitting.

    also? blogging totally counts as productivity. i’ve decided this recently, in the interests of making myself feel better about my own lack of drive re: writing fiction.

    we may not be in the same boat, but I’m pretty sure we’re sailing the same ocean. It’s just that I get a check for editing anthropology once a month. Otherwise, I sit around wishing I was doing more too. I think we all do.

    Finally? I am so jealous. And not. And ambivalent. But then jealous again. about you guys moving home. Wow.


  • 2 Dalybeth // May 8, 2008 at 10:27 pm

    Then you might like/hate Quincy Coleman’s “Baby don’t you cry” from movie Waitress.

    “When the world is Grey and Bleak, baby don’t you cry, I will give you every bit of love that’s in my heart. I will bake it up into a simple little pie.
    Baby don’t you cry, gonna make a pie, gonna make a pie with a heart in the middle.
    BAby don’t be blue, gonna make for you, gonna make a pie with a heart in the middle. Gonna be pie from Heaven above, gonna be filled with Strawberry love.
    Baby don’t you cry, gonna make a pie and hold you forever in the middle of my heart.
    Baby here’s the sun, baby here’s the sky baby I’m your light and I’m your shelter. Baby you are mine . I could freeze the time, Keep you in my kitchen with me FOREVER………………………..”

  • 3 jenn meleana // May 11, 2008 at 2:02 pm

    I have moved Waitress to the top of our Netflix queue! I will let you know…

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  • 96 // Aug 23, 2016 at 3:54 pm

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  • 97 // Aug 23, 2016 at 4:42 pm

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  • 101 // Aug 24, 2016 at 11:20 pm

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  • 102 // Aug 24, 2016 at 11:31 pm

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  • 103 // Aug 24, 2016 at 11:49 pm

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  • 104 // Aug 27, 2017 at 3:43 am

    They’ve definitely got something on their back probably a radio , and wouldn’t be suprised if they’ve got some kind of bullet proof vest under there too and a gun obviously

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