Choose Our Own Adventure

Choose Our Own Adventure random header image

You’re Never Fully Dressed Without a Cyanide…

January 2nd, 2009 · 46 Comments

The Good: I made my television cooking debut today on “Hawaii’s Kitchens.”  If you weren’t up at 6:25am watching the Channel 2 Morning News, that’s cool, it’ll probably be online soon.  Next month I get to do vegan baking.  Channel 2 today, Food Network tomorrow!

Okay, the good’s over.

The Bad:

There is a girl driving home.

This girl, she’s crying.

I’m watching myself, and it kills me to see how sad I am.

I’m crying for the both of us.

And so on.

And so on.

It’s unbearable.  Not being able to live with your best friend; not being able to live.  Slipping into debt; slipping away.  Falling into routine; fuck you routine.

What makes me insane today?

I’m glad you asked.

What makes me insane today is that I’ve lived on this island almost my whole life, and I still get lost, take wrong turn after wrong turn with escalating horror at the truth of the metaphor—dead end, dead end, we’re all going one way, merge or hit us head on, we all must go the exact same speed.

Almost every time I get behind a wheel, I wonder if I’ll make it to where I’m going.

“Living, naturally, is never easy.  You continue making the gestures commanded by existence for many reasons, the first of which is habit.  Dying voluntarily implies that you have recognized, even instinctively, the ridiculous character of that habit, the absence of any profound reason for living, the insane character of that daily agitation, and the uselessness of suffering.” –Camus, The Myth of Sisyphus

I’m searching for meaning in the meaninglessness.  I am looking for the fun I lost last year between the couch cushions.

Ryan is the only person I feel safe around, and this neediness overwhelms him.  Friday nights I want to go out, laugh, merry-make, extricate my inner hippie, be all jah love and shit—but a shot of vodka is no longer a shot of short-lived freedom—and if I’m out all I can do is worry about how the hell we’re going to get un-broke.  How I don’t have the right to be carefree.  Panicking over when we can get our own fucking place to live.  How it’s already January.  2009.

I wonder when I will stop being a bittermelon and start being a honeydew.

But when I’m in, alone, all I can do is resent the fun lovers, the carefreers, the world that looks so perfect, from where you writhe, inside your restless prison of a body.

Can’t go out, can’t stay in, can’t move.

I usually just annoy the shit out of Ryan, wherever he may be, until I pass out mid-tantrum, like a two year old who has no words for what he wants, where it hurts, and is terrified by the size of the dark.

I feel like I’m riding a rollercoaster that is actually just a Kalanianaole Highway that stretches on forever.  So.  Fucking.  Boring.

Ryan spontaneously went to Vegas (see entry below), and since he’s been back, we’ve been loving, patient, BFF’s.  Last weekend, the Entire Island Power Outage gave us permission to just play.  Dad Hee worked the gas stove, making coffee, bacon, pancakes.  We read Outliers (Ryan) and The Stuff of Thought (me), ate breakfast on the lanai.  We borrowed Scrabble from the neighbors (I won), played Transformer Monopoly (I won), had a Tangoes-Off (I won).  Winning is never boring, friends.  Never boring.  In the afternoon, when the lights and television surged back on, we went back to our Facebook, our blank pages, but it was a wonderful catastrophe, and most mornings I want to wake up to that same dim stillness, where there is less that can be done, and so much more to do.

The first drizzly sunrise Mati-walk of the New Year.  The first evening run, hip hop mix, one extra valley for good luck.  Family breakfasts, hikes with Mom Hee, getting to boss my sister around at work and write things like, “Make Tofu Poke—FATTY” on the white board.  It’s not all intolerable.  I just want to go back to living like every day something amazing could happen.  And does.  Something worth writing about, worth photographing, worth capturing.  I want to live like I travel, not wait until I travel to live.

So I suffer and it doesn’t matter—to the universe, to anybody.  Blah blah blah.  So it’s the same shit, different year.  Unless.  We make a radical change.  What is that radical change?  Leaving each other, just for the shock, even though no matter who we are with, ever, we will always be single, because no one can ever understand who we are.  Close is still Pluto.  From Pluto, it’s hard to even hold hands.

I’m grieving for the girl that used to drive and sing Tristan Prettyman, Ani, Journey at the top of her lungs, windows down, hair down–and that was all there was to driving.

Oh life.

You can only fake it so much, until you begin to fake the faking, and you lose all that was real.

Everything is so nightmarish that I can’t begin to articulate it.  It’s just a sense.  Of everything falling apart.

Of the pieces changing shape so they can never be put back together.


Tags: Uncategorized

46 responses so far ↓

  • 1 ryan // Jan 4, 2009 at 2:22 pm

    1. you rocked on cooking show. you make me want to toss my own salad. and put dressing all over your hair.
    2. you don’t overwhelm me, life does. i know going out into the world is hard for you right now, but staying in has its drawbacks too [we both have done both, at different times, for different reasons– one is not intrinsically better than the other], and it’s simply and innocently: the misalignment between randomly meandering agendas– which at times are diametrically opposed, for no particular reason; best friends aging differently, our lives benjamin buttoning into a double-helix structure of connecting and always missing each other; the shifting plate tectonics between our metaphorical brad pitt and kate blanchett, making it so that sometimes, we dance, and paint each other’s butts in a cheesy montage of new apt. love, and at other times, we live in our parents’ house, and have to fuck quietly, lest our families get all grossed out, like we’re back in high school– like we’re growing young towards death. And we just can’t find the meaning in the meaninglessness, the fun we lost last year, in between the couch cushions, because, well, there’s no meaning in meaningless, fun in couch cushions, duh. we are just pieces, dear, changing shapes; we are just Pluto, pissed that we no longer count as a planet; we are indeed, all of us, single—i think the more we get this, ironically, the more together we’ll be— united by our individuality [yes dear, like the scion commercial].
    3. I love love love your words. always. sometimes i feel if i were to quote you back to you, but claim it’s really some unknown author, you would explode from multiple epiphanies. read yourself woman!
    4. “…no one can ever understand who we are.” agreed. no one. not even we understand ourselves, how can someone else? perhaps it’s the delusion that we exist, as a subject to be understood, that is the thing we don’t understand. like trying to “pin a wave upon the sand, oh how do you solve a problem like Maria [and all selves], how do you hold a moon beam in your hand?”
    5. Fuck 5.
    6. call me when you wake up. let’s misanthropize over coffee.
    7. I’m sorry 5, it’s not your fault.
    8. wake up already, i want a scrabble rematch [no looking up words this time, cheating whore]
    9. why do we always need 10?

  • 2 christy // Jan 6, 2009 at 5:01 pm

    i love you and your words jen.

  • 3 ryan // Jan 6, 2009 at 7:12 pm

    i love you and your words too ryan. you’re fucking awesome.

  • 4 Mayumi Shimose Poe // Jan 13, 2009 at 3:11 am

    yes, thank you both jenn and ryan for all your words. which make me feel like it’s okay to be feeling whatever i’m feeling. :)

  • 5 Matt // Jan 22, 2009 at 5:19 am

    “I want to live like I travel, not wait until I travel to live.”

    have wiser words ever been spoken?

    …i think not. wow.

  • 6 stranger // Mar 28, 2009 at 7:45 pm

    Hi, I’m a random stranger, I’ve been reading this blog on and off for a couple of years. I’m a writer and lucky enough to be finally making my living writing - it took twenty years of hard work and day jobs. I agree that you have a great talent. I like the way you use words. I think, too, if you want to live like you travel then the best way to do this is to write about something that allows you to travel outside of yourself and your own specificities. I don’t mean write a gladiator story set in the Roman era, unless that’s your thing, but it might be too big a journey, what I mean is create a character that allows you to travel outside of yourself as you are writing (for example, you could write about a repressed house-wife married to a successful bank manager who dreams of excitement, then falls in love with the hot ‘n sassy drama teacher who moves in next door).

    OK, that’s a bad example. But something like this would mean you are still using your own insights and wisdom (and words), but using them to describe and reveal a fictional character’s experience instead of your own.

    This, to me, is how you can live like you travel. I have a very boring life. I sit in front of a computer and write for 8-12 hours a day. But the territories I cover on the inside make my life rich with experience. Most writers are prone to introspection, desperation, self-immolation and melancholy, which is why it’s so much better to write about other people: it is an escape, but it’s not a deceptive one.

    Of course, this might sound like a shitty idea. And you’re not asking for advice. I’m just being presumtuous, but I like you two both a lot and think you’re both very talented. I think you should write a novel.

  • 7 jenn meleana // Apr 1, 2009 at 12:32 am

    Hey Random Stranger! Wow… have we been blogging for a couple of years already? ACKH! Oh time, you messy blur you. Thank you, thank you for your comment and kind words. But 20 years of hard work and day jobs! Wow… I’ve been at my day job barely 10 months and I just want to DIE. And indeed, I am prone to introspection, desperation, self-immolation, and melancholy! Hi, I am a writer and a living cliche. However, I never write fiction, but am interested more now to try, and truly appreciate your advice. Thank you. I need the escape, to take my words outside of my immediate world.

    Take Care,

  • 8 stranger // Apr 9, 2009 at 4:40 am

    Just remembered writing this comment. You go girl. Live like you travel! Fiction is fantasy and travel is a kind of fantasy too, isn’t it? Until you run out of money.

    But ffiction is free. Travel, not so much.

  • 9 Umbro England // Apr 28, 2010 at 11:55 am

    “I want to live like I travel, not wait until I travel to live.”

    I would say:

    “I want to live while I travel, not wait until I travel to live.”

  • 10 Umbro England // May 11, 2010 at 11:53 am

    Is it true that peach pits contain cyanide? If so, is it found
    in any other fruits?

  • 11 England Home Shirt // Jun 7, 2010 at 12:00 pm

    lol I was totally wrong!

    “It’s easy to assume that the word ‘cyanide’ is always synonymous with a deadly poison”

  • 12 car battery // Nov 3, 2010 at 8:29 am

    I hope you are doing better by now. Don’t ever be discouraged, just keep the faith and do your job.

  • 13 izmir temizlik sirketleri // Nov 8, 2010 at 6:57 pm

    thanks man nice share full good :D

  • 14 bargain family holidays // Apr 17, 2011 at 11:56 pm

    I need fashion dress for the summer season…It is very bad to synthetic dress in summer so suggest me where to get summer fashion dress.

  • 15 joe // Sep 9, 2011 at 4:03 pm

    nice words

  • 16 next day printing // Oct 1, 2011 at 4:00 am

    You are right.I agree with you.thanks for this blog.Really great information..

  • 17 adult toys // Oct 1, 2011 at 10:58 am

    Don’t ever be discouraged, just keep the faith and do your job.

  • 18 used tires // Dec 1, 2011 at 5:49 am

    I have to say that I have rarely seen such beautifully penned words. Very thought provoking for sure.


  • 19 Candy // Jan 5, 2012 at 2:27 am

    I am often to blogging and i really appreciate your content.The article has really peaks my interest.I am going to bookmark your site and keep checking for new information.

  • 20 pellet press machine // Aug 3, 2012 at 12:56 am

    I have to say that I have hardly ever seen such magnificently composed terms. Very believed invoking for sure.

  • 21 Maximo Stapelman // Jan 12, 2013 at 7:20 pm

    Hello Web Admin, I noticed that your On-Page SEO is is missing a few factors, for one you do not use all three H tags in your post, also I notice that you are not using bold or italics properly in your SEO optimization. On-Page SEO means more now than ever since the new Google update: Panda. No longer are backlinks and simply pinging or sending out a RSS feed the key to getting Google PageRank or Alexa Rankings, You now NEED On-Page SEO. So what is good On-Page SEO?First your keyword must appear in the title.Then it must appear in the URL.You have to optimize your keyword and make sure that it has a nice keyword density of 3-5% in your article with relevant LSI (Latent Semantic Indexing). Then you should spread all H1,H2,H3 tags in your article.Your Keyword should appear in your first paragraph and in the last sentence of the page. You should have relevant usage of Bold and italics of your keyword.There should be one internal link to a page on your blog and you should have one image with an alt tag that has your keyword….wait there’s even more Now what if i told you there was a simple Wordpress plugin that does all the On-Page SEO, and automatically for you? That’s right AUTOMATICALLY, just watch this 4minute video for more information at. Seo Plugin

  • 22 Astrology // Feb 5, 2013 at 7:12 am

    The post of content is very interesting and exciting. I learned a lot from here.

  • 23 Auto Insurance // Feb 12, 2013 at 1:17 am

    Incredible points. Sound arguments. Keep up the great work.

  • 24 Teeth Whitening // Feb 12, 2013 at 4:40 am

    The blog was absolutely fantastic! Lot of great information which can be helpful in some or the other way.

  • 25 Forex Trading // Feb 13, 2013 at 1:01 am

    I wanted to thank you for this great read!! I definitely enjoying every little bit.

  • 26 Aniexty // Feb 13, 2013 at 2:54 am

    Thanks for very interesting post. I have a high regard for the valuable information you offer in your articles.

  • 27 Sydney Management Consulting // Feb 13, 2013 at 1:47 pm

    I love to wear mostly formal stuff.It is very bad to synthetic dress in summer so suggest me where to get summer fashion dress.

  • 28 Sydney Management Consulting // Feb 13, 2013 at 1:49 pm

    You shred here your good and bad experience.Cool I enjoyed reading!

  • 29 Hair Regrow // Feb 13, 2013 at 11:52 pm

    I admire the time and effort you put into your post and detailed information you offer.

  • 30 Pay Day Loan // Feb 14, 2013 at 3:21 am

    Once again the your work, I feel very happy, let me and found that feeling.. Great ~ ~

  • 31 Web Hosting // Feb 15, 2013 at 12:45 am

    I will be sure to bookmark it and return to read more of your useful info. Thanks for the post.

  • 32 sale accommodation // Feb 19, 2013 at 5:10 am

    There are many state universities and even private institutions which offer different courses in management.thanks lot.

  • 33 DVD Price // Feb 22, 2013 at 4:11 am

    Interesting post - great title to draw people in! I wondered what it’d be about!

  • 34 Aniexty // Mar 5, 2013 at 3:36 am

    i m happy that i found it relevant & useful..but the content is a bit less & confusing at the last..

  • 35 Aniexty // Mar 22, 2013 at 11:24 pm

    Hi, This page is very informative and fun to read. I am a huge follower of the things blogged about.

  • 36 Forex Trading // Apr 3, 2013 at 12:28 am

    Interesting post and I really like your take on the issue. I now have a clear idea on what this matter is all about.

  • 37 p90x // Apr 11, 2013 at 6:08 pm

    Post your cooking debut video here please. I am sure we would all love to see it.

    - Robert

  • 38 Pay Day Loan // Apr 17, 2013 at 1:12 am

    The blog was absolutely fantastic! Lot of great info which can be helpful in some or the other way.

  • 39 Astrology // Apr 24, 2013 at 12:48 am

    this is funny i must say..gr8 sense of humor and the post is informative too..

  • 40 Acne Treatment // May 6, 2013 at 12:06 am

    Your blog is fantastic and very informative . keep it up

  • 41 Hair Regrow // May 10, 2013 at 1:49 am

    I love like all your wallpapers. Please keep bringing some more.

  • 42 building and pest inspection Brisbane // Jun 14, 2013 at 5:47 am

    This page is very informative and fun to read. I am a huge follower of the things blogged about.

  • 43 building and pest inspection // Jul 9, 2013 at 7:36 am

    I have a very boring life. I sit in front of a computer and write for 8-12 hours a day. But the territories I cover on the inside make my life rich with experience. thanks

  • 44 Sony Laptops For Sale // Jul 29, 2013 at 6:47 am

    I cannot thank you enough for the blog article.Really looking forward to read more. Much obliged. 

  • 45 Custom Packaging // Sep 2, 2013 at 3:16 pm

    Not a bad idea buddy.Really admiring stuff.Thanks

  • 46 how to delete google plus accounts // Jun 5, 2014 at 12:37 pm

    Its like you read my mind! You seem to know so much about this, like you wrote the book in it or something.
    I think that you could do with some pics to drive
    the message home a little bit, but instead of that, this is fantastic blog.
    An excellent read. I’ll definitely be back.

Leave a Comment

  • Archives

  • Google
  • reality xxx tube
  • freeolder women videos
  • hot heterosexual sex videos
  • tiny teen youngest
  • nude punjabi girls pics
  • fucking mature girlfriend
  • british sex party video
  • Kathy griffin nude pics
  • classsic era xxx movies
  • video trailers hub
  • skinny fat ass videos
  • hardcore tan teenagers and free pics
  • Latina sex girls
  • mature women interracial galleries
  • Hot latin girls video
  • sex gallery malayalam
  • mature european hardcore free video
  • asian pussy n clits
  • black girl big boobs
  • fuck babysitter young teen cute
  • amateur big tit girls tubes
  • boobs stick straight out pics
  • fuck bred cock pregnant sex
  • asian prostatut
  • naturist couples pictures
  • karachi dha resident girls showing boobs
  • sex young girls arab
  • Watch lesbian movie
  • pics of krystal from starfox
  • girls next door naked pictorials
  • sexy blonde teens fucking
  • amatuers suck dick
  • nude teen girl movies
  • hot teens boys girl trik
  • cute teen lesbian dildo
  • messy anal thumbs vids
  • free amature anal pics
  • free interracial sex with black dicks
  • sexy girl dances
  • fat black chick
  • pussy from behind video
  • Naked skydiving video
  • busty asian starts
  • aviral galleries
  • mature married women fucking black men
  • do red heads like oral sex
  • nn teen video galleries
  • cheating wives sex storiea
  • erotic stories young teens
  • free sexy bikini thong slingshot
  • s teach girls xxx
  • school girls sex xxx videos
  • tania sex movie tube
  • girl drink pee video
  • petite length clothes for women
  • tit inside pussy
  • stockings ass pics
  • jeniffer lopez hot and naked pics
  • hd teens masterbation free video
  • sex party for swingers
  • beautiful girls sex videos
  • beverly lynne hardcore video
  • girlfriend vaion blowjob
  • lesbian sex spanking tube
  • blonde teen sucks
  • wet hairy young pussy
  • girls wearing tight close pics
  • my favorite blowjob movie
  • teen sex hentai anime series
  • sexy teens in underware posing
  • filthy young free
  • Sexy boobs asian
  • interracial thumbnails pics
  • black and white lesbians pic gallery
  • teen girl teasing cock
  • Beautiful naked blonds
  • asian free video xxx slut
  • amateur teen asian girlfriend
  • cute teens in their pjs galleries
  • wet fisted pussy
  • teen virgin nude girls
  • old fart yougn pussy
  • anal black teen
  • lparty favors for teens
  • black and white pixie pictures
  • jill kelly anal sex
  • lesbian world sex
  • all black amateur movies
  • blonde star galleries
  • pussy spreading milfs
  • Little sexy teen
  • i suck cock and eat pussy
  • xhamster horny mature seduces young guy
  • free teen nudism naturist
  • ebony videos online free
  • pictures of passed out nude girls
  • Interracial marriage divorce rate
  • show older asian granny pussy
  • sex in major movies
  • Asian black sex
  • free mature women nude gallery
  • free reality lesbian
  • Hottest teens fucking
  • blondish brow hair girls in bikini
  • black asian inspired comforter queen size
  • hot young sexy twinks naked
  • casting couch brunette pussy
  • black all dat ass blackteens
  • chairs for petite frames
  • pregnant asian
  • wife enjoys spanking free video
  • free mature lesbiens
  • bouncin black tits
  • brittany spears showing pussy
  • girl petting butt
  • girls that suck big dicks
  • girl naked six pack
  • gasparilla girls flashing
  • black gutter booty xxx
  • hot naked girls at the beach
  • Africa sex photos
  • black angel tv blonde wig gloss
  • black bucks training cucholds wives
  • free videos of wives having sex
  • best oral stars
  • mature tits and hairy pussy videos
  • Sex hot sex
  • old man young girl milf
  • henny youngman take my wife please
  • post your girl picture
  • Ftv sexy girl video
  • asian seek european wife
  • small mature tit pics
  • free orgy videos
  • big tits and ass pictures
  • rape fuck girl video xxn
  • young seduction sex tube
  • Huge breast galleries
  • Mmf threesome
  • rusian fuck movies
  • mature wifes in threesome orgies
  • teens at work fuck
  • older black men pictures
  • Pictures of sex toys
  • stockings sex thumb galleries
  • teen stroking pussy
  • msn black cherleader that fuck
  • petite models ru
  • desi cheating wife sex stories
  • adult asian videos
  • chicks fuckin dicks
  • two sexy girls in lingerie
  • girls in the movie tokyo drift
  • secret amateur gang bang videos
  • third party teen gallery web sites
  • hot babes fucking lesbian asian
  • sophie monk pussy
  • double anal stars videos
  • black naked celebrities pics
  • males oral sex
  • having sex at a weing video
  • Interracial office sex
  • Hot naked girls galleries
  • german sex tube vids
  • erotic vagina wash video
  • blonde girl and black guys
  • asian male white female sex
  • phat black ass dump
  • Natalie portman nude movies
  • interracial group cum movies
  • daughter eating mom pussy
  • blackzilla white girls
  • hardcore big dick teen sex videos
  • teens suck cok
  • ebony nurse
  • xhamster hairy mature movie galleries
  • erotic beauties young
  • naked sexy muscular hunks
  • butt pirates partysex
  • best oral swallow free videos
  • ebony xxx amateur
  • xtube young black thug
  • big sexy hot anal
  • Trixie teen ass
  • youngleaf naked women
  • groping japan trains video
  • shemale cuckold feminization video
  • Big boobs movies
  • handjob sex pictures
  • drunk girl partys
  • Married sex hot
  • ebony flash anal sex videos
  • post orgasm torture videos
  • full young model pics
  • free hardcore video trailers
  • pictures facial teen cumshots tied
  • young girl fat ass
  • sexy busty sex galleries
  • black whte sex
  • Monica bellucci nude sex scene
  • How to meet hot girls
  • girls showing boobs in public videos
  • tube black cumshots
  • arab sex movie
  • old pussy
  • amateur young xxx
  • hot sex threesome videos
  • hot pussy tite ass
  • amateur massage sex sites
  • Lesbian strap on anal sex
  • big clit orgasm video
  • Black lesbian girls
  • teen gives oral sex
  • shemale ejaculating video
  • two hot girls make out naked
  • animey vids
  • Big boob models
  • ebony wife plumber
  • girl self nude pics
  • mom boy sex gallery pics
  • girls photo gallery nude
  • get wife to try sexual things
  • videos reales de sexo amateur
  • young little fuck
  • Nice sexy breasts
  • hardcore lesbian pussy eating
  • geena davis ass picture thelma
  • hot girl bikini sex party college
  • finklestein phillies topless pics
  • teenage girls tight ass
  • Amater sex vidio
  • photo sharing amateur sex
  • mature gaging pics
  • Black cock white pussy movies
  • penis pussy video
  • black sand movie
  • free huge deep dick
  • sex books for teens
  • big booty amateur pictures
  • final fantasy online with naked girls
  • gorgeous women looking shemale pics
  • Hot bengali girls
  • Girls who like sex
  • blonde college girls fucking videos
  • free sex online video
  • mature man fucks young girl
  • sweet teen boy sex
  • black pantie pictures
  • stories about massive objects in pussy
  • girl in his ass
  • video mature woman
  • rap girls sex tape
  • jennifer welles mature pics
  • girls suking nipples
  • young small tits teen nudist camping
  • nude girl teens
  • young girls activities
  • hentai sex pics guy girl
  • naked black girls shaking ass
  • teach wife about sex
  • sexy black teen pic gallery
  • romantic fiction young girl
  • voyeur pics naked
  • young teen pichunter
  • mature and boys movies
  • Free online teens movies
  • power puff girls blowjob
  • retro sex babes boobs
  • sex world video
  • non bikini pictures
  • interracial boy twink video
  • conrad blacks son and fiirst wife
  • abused bus girl japan
  • best breasts ever video
  • transsexual shemale or crossdresser test
  • sexy brunettes stripping
  • big young boob picture
  • sex furniture gallery
  • free lesbian sex tubes
  • Hot girls vidios
  • mature black ass worship